An Open Letter to Democrats from the New DNC Chair

Dear Democratic Party Faithful,

When I accepted the great honor of taking the helm of the Democratic National Committee last Saturday I said "We have to move forward. We cannot win if all we are is against the current President." and I menat it. We have to put forward a positive agenda. In the spirit of these words, I'd like to offer these suggestions on how to put a positive spin on our opposition all of the items in President Bush's agenda. Some here are some talking points on the major items on Bush's agenda. Remember, we're not against Bush's agenda. We're for everything that is the exact opposite of Bush's agenda. For example:

Tax cuts: We're not against tax cuts, we're for increasing positive monetary contributions to the treasury for the good of the nation. In other words, be a patriot: Pay higher taxes. Your neighbor on welfare will thank you as he's buying steak with your tax dollars. And I'm sure he'll be thinking of you when he cracks open the first beer in the twelve pack of Hienekin he bought with his own money since you were kind enough to buy his steak for him. If you ask him really nice, he might event trade you a steak and a Heinekin for one of your burgers and an Old Milwaukee. Okay, maybe two burgers and a six-pack of Old Mil for a steak and a Heiny. But think of the wonderful feeling you'll get for doing a good deed for your neighbor -- you know how much he loves his steak and Heiny and your generous contributions to the treasury make it possible.

Social Security: We're not against reforming Social Security. In fact, we're going to propose a new type of Social Security reform. It's a positive program designed to give a face to your generous Social Security contributions. It's called the Senior Reach program, patterned after those wonderful programs that make a difference in the lives of starving and destitute kids all over the world.

Did you know that for just a few dollars a day (coincidentally the exact amount you and your employer pay in FICA tax) you can enable grandpa to buy that HDTV set he's been wanting and maybe even pay for a month or two of satellite programming? Yes, your small FICA contrubtion is enough to keep an old Rockefeller in Beluga Caviar for at least two days a month. Your small contribution and the one your employer pays which you never see so you don't even miss is even enough to pay for Grandma and Grandpa Jones' gas for that trip to Florida in their RV. Why it might even pay for the gas for that SUV they tow behind it.

Yes under the Senior Reach program, you'll be able to see these happy moments unfolding before your very eyes, because you will get updates on your senior citizen. Yes you and the other 2.3 people who are supporting your senior in their retirement will get a package complete with a picture of the old fogey and updates on how your money is making a difference in their lives. There's nothing more positive than making a difference in the life of an old person with your generous FICA contribution.

Military Spending: We just have to face facts. As I've said before, we may find ourselves in the position of not having the biggest military in the world. No big whoop. There's plenty of better ways to spend our money. And we can always count on those nice Chinese folks to defend us should the need arise. After all, who needs peace through strength when you can have peace through handholding and meditation?